Okay, it's official: We in a recession! Last year, everything was grand as we lived exorbitantly off the fat of the land, using five dollar bills as tinder for our cigars. Them were the days. So of course, Mr. and Mrs. Moneybags (herein referred to as Donna and Paul; the villains of this piece) decided to wait until the global economy was on cinder blocks before forcing their friends and loved ones to break the bank trying to get to gorgeous Hawaii for their wedding. Typical.
But s'cool. Jared's got your back! Here with some suggestions on how you can make some fast green so you don't have to go through hell trying to get to paradise.
1) Go To a Blood Bank.
They say that 1 pint of blood can save 3 human lives. *YAWN* Whatever. What's important to know here is 1 pint of the red gold gets you 50 whole bucks! Let me break it down for you: you have 6 pints of blood in your body and according to a group of twenty-somethings at a BBQ I went to last weekend, all you need to live is less than a quarter of that. We're talking 5 pints of the old red sauce at the standard going rate...That's 250 smackeroos! Make sure to give those suckers at the blood bank a fake name as you go, and you'll be sipping Kahlua cocktails in first class in no time.
Granted, with that much blood loss, the possibility of mild brain damage is a distinct possibly. But you can do mild; you can do mild in your sleep. Or, you know, in the coma you put yourself in from lack of blood. But hey! That just means when you finally do wake up, you'll have shed all that nasty winter weight! What's a little mental retardation when you look absolutely stunning in your old bathing suit? Aloha hey, baby!
2) Go To a Sperm Bank.
This one's fairly self-explanatory. I don't think anyone here really NEEDS details. However if you do, then...well, this IS the Internet. I'm sure there are plenty of places you can go for that.
Did you know: You have to sign a contract to become a sperm donor. You know who else signs contracts? Mick Jagger.
3) Rob a bank.
Or just generally turn to a life of crime. I recognize not everyone has the stomach for this line of work. Not everyone can be as hardcore as someone like me. Why just last week I downloaded a "50 Cent" album from the internet.
Illegally.
Yeah, I know. How gangsta am I? Pretty damn. Word to your mutha. (Hi, mom!)
4) Time travel.
Just hear me out on this one: At one point in time, before the earth's tetonic plates seperated from each other, all of earth's continents were as one, they called this sprawling landmass Pangea. No oceans to get in the way; no planes to book...just land for as far as the eye can see.
And dinosaurs.
Now, my plan is simple:
a) Build a time machine.
b) Go back in time really really really really really far.
c) Tame a brontosaurus. Give it a suh-weet name.
c) Ride "B.B. Hutchinstuff" to the petrified land mass that will eventually become Hawaii.
d) Survive somehow for 300 million years.
e) Enjoy the wedding!
Easy peasy, right? And that won't even cost you a dime! You're welcome.
So yeah, there's plenty of options there. Anyone of these steps will get you to Hawaii with plenty of dough to spare. There's no excuse now, McFly. I'll see you in Pangea!!!(And hopefully not at the sperm bank. Awkward.)
-J
1 comment:
Or, you can just go to Vegas and try and win big. The problem with giving blood is that if your a diabetic, you can give. No one will want your blood and if I give, I have a bunch of drugs (prescription) in my system.
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